10 Pot Pusher Profiles

North America’s stubbornly ridiculous marijuana laws have created a very unique line of work for those willing to seriously break them. With legalization in the indiscernibly distant future and the demand for cannabis steadily growing, so do the opportunities for those in the frequently long chain that brings pot from grower to smoker.

While some dealers see themselves as freedom fighters delivering mind-expanding herb to people suffering under an oppressive regime, others would push crack to preschoolers if there were a market for it. Most, however, simply find themselves in a position to make relatively easy money by taking a few risks.   

Love them or hate them, they’ll be around till North America pulls its head out of its ass and makes them unnecessary, so you may as well get to know them. Whether you are a large or small-scale dealer, or simply an inquisitive connoisseur hoping to learn more about these opportunists who connect you with the chronic you love, this guide will help you make informed decisions about the people you choose to buy from.

After extensive fieldwork and the compilation and interpretation of a great deal of data, the author has narrowed the broad spectrum of pot dealers into ten “Types.” Below is a listing of their identifying characteristics including physical appearance, pros and cons of dealing with them, any warnings that may apply, the name they generally refer to their product as, and any catchphrases that may help you spot the type of dealer taking bong hits on your couch.

Type: The Lagging Mystic

Characteristics: This is the guy you met at Burning Man or Reggae on the River who you run into occasionally at the coffee shop or natural food store. Most of your hippie friends have assured you he’s a kind soul, but while he’s exploring the nature of the cosmos with a mellow sister he just met, you’re sitting at home getting hassled by customers you said you’d hook up three hours ago. The Lagging Mystic will teach you that patience is a virtue.

Appearance: Most Mystics under forty have dreadlocks and Rasta-themed clothing, whereas mystics over forty wear sandals and tie-dye. Hemp clothing is mandatory for both.

Pros: Always has the best outdoor organic at reasonable prices.

Cons: Lacks a linear conception of time, does not believe in urgency and has no phone.

Warning: Requires an open mind, schedule, and the ability to listen to long, dragging accounts of his most recent spiritual awakening or communion with the most high.

Calls his weed: Medicine, Herb, Sacrament.

Catchphrase: “This strain of herb, brethren, has been blessed by shaman, Jerry, and the Most High.”

Type: Lord of the Schwag

Characteristics: This guy might be a Mexican gangster, an old hippie who complains that “pot is just too strong these days,” or anyone more concerned with profit than reputation. His weed is often vacuum-sealed and squeezed into rock-hard chunks from its journey out of British Columbia or Mexico. It may have been grown with chemicals and pesticides labeled “for use on ornamental plants only.” It also may have suffered frostbite, premature harvest, or a little too much time crated up in some mafia goon’s basement, giving it that aroma you normally associate with your grandma’s rest home.   

Appearance: The Schwag Lord takes many forms.

Pros: If you have the right type of clientele, you can make a lot of money with this guy.

Cons: Your friends will make fun of you.

Warning: Smoking mold causes lung infections.

Calls his weed: Product, B-grade, Work. 

Catchphrase: “Don’t be fooled by the look, taste and smell—it’s fuckin’ stony.”

Type: The Rip-Off Artist

Characteristics: Chances are, you’ve known this guy less than an hour. He calls you bro and appears to have all the same opinions and interests that you do. His eyes dart around a lot, and he never actually looks at you, but he seems cool. If you just chill out at his bro’s house, or around the corner, he’ll be back in fifteen minutes.

Appearance: White T-shirt, backwards baseball cap, small, cheap gold chain. Crooked teeth and meth sores are optional, but without fail sports a ponytail.

Pros: If he’s a large-scale Rip-Off artist, he may actually hook you up with a good deal the first time so he can gain your trust. He also helps rid you of any naïveté, any ideas that if you show people trust and respect they’ll do the same, that you may still cling to.

Cons: This one’s a no-brainer. And don’t think you can find him and get your money back, because he won’t have it. His mom is still trying to get that dime bag he promised her a few years back.

Warning: Check for ponytail. Unless it is accompanied by a beard or other hippie accoutrements, do not give him your money.

Calls his weed: Chronic nuggets.

Catchphrase: “Hey bro, lookin’ for any chronic nuggets?”

Type: The Weed Snob

Characteristics: This guy was annoying back in high school, and he’s even more annoying now that you have to buy weed from him. No matter what strain you have, it never seems to be good enough for him to smoke. Says things like, “I’m really in more of a Jack Herer mood right now,” or “You look like a Big Bud kind of guy.” Also uses terms like “bouquet,” “aroma” and “woody aftertaste.”   

Appearance: An air of smug superiority and vague disgust surrounds him. Wears that stupid 1998 Cannabis Cup Judge T-shirt every day. 

Pros: Always has the best weed in town at any given time.

Cons: Rarely has anything for sale since “there’s nothing worth buying.” And you can be damn sure it won’t be cheap if he does.

Warning: Use extreme caution when matching bowls with the Weed Snob. Only European strains are recommended. If the Weed Snob catches you in possession of anything you bought from The Schwag Lord, mockery, and in some extreme cases, violence, may ensue.

Calls his weed: Grade A Smoke, The Good Stuff.

Catchphrase: “Eww…how can you even smoke this? What is this, Mex?"

Type: The Gangster

Characteristics: Once the Rip-Off artist realizes that sometimes you can make more consistent money by actually hooking people up rather than ripping them off, he becomes The Gangster. You still don’t really know him that well, but you’re pretty sure he has connections to organized crime, and sells a lot more than just weed.

Appearance: The Gangster does not believe in saving money, spending it on his illegitimate children, or welfare family. Therefore, with the exception of strippers and cocaine, The Gangster spends all his money on gold chains, watches, athletic clothes, and other forms of bling.

Pros: Has great, reliable deals on commercial stuff. Can help you out with any other illegal goods or services you may want.

Cons: He’s on probation, the cops are probably watching him, and bigger fish periodically rob him. And when he gets hard up for cash, he robs the weed cutsies first.

Warning: Small bills anger him.

Calls his weed: Trees, Product, The Stuff. 

Catchphrase: “Hey what the fuck did I tell you about tens, bitch?”

Type: Mr. Paranoia

Characteristics: The guy’s a total sketcher. Phone conversations with him involve so many pointless code words and jargon that you both hang up with only vague ideas about what the other was trying to say. In person, he whispers any words that might be considered incriminating, and flips out if you forget to follow one of the bizarre rules he’s given you, or one he just made up, or if his brain chemistry is off that day.

Appearance: An aura of shadiness surrounds him. The brim of his hat always seems to cover his beady, darting eyes. In a lineup with the other nine Types, he’d be the easiest to identify as a drug dealer. 

Pros: Mr. Paranoia is your bright warning beacon. Is this the kind of life you want to lead?

Cons: Paranoia, as the saying goes, is contagious. Hanging out with this guy outside of work will shorten your life expectancy.

Warning: At first, you and your friends might just think he’s really clever. He’s not.

Calls his weed: Those movies you wanted, the new Green Day CD, that one thing we talked about last Wednesday except this time three quarters of it is brown cow status and another half is on the high end of the Red Baron’s lawnmower.

Catchphrase: “Are you sure that old lady sleeping on the bench across the street from your apartment is chill? Was that a siren? Do you hear helicopters?”

Type: Mr. Medical

Characteristics: This lucky son of bitch has a license to grow, and possess, more weed than he could ever smoke. Depending on where you live and how strict the laws are, Mr. Medical may actually have a condition that can only be treated by cannabis. Most likely, however, he was just smart enough to work the system. As a result, he has the cheapest, freshest weed around every three months or so. Though seeing Mr. Medi’s grow room stirs feelings of jealousy in you, it also makes you want to quit hustling and grow your own crop.   

Appearance: Mr. Medi may have a wheelchair, crutches, or another physical ailment, but there’s always a grin on his face.

Pros: Cheap weed, the chance to use a vaporizer, and the possibility that if you hang around him long enough he’ll designate you as his caretaker.

Cons: Sometimes Mr. Medical forgets that just because it’s currently relatively legal for him to grow and possess it, that doesn’t make it legal for him to sell it to you. He refuses to be discrete about anything, ever, and occasionally teases you about being paranoid. 

Warning: May show up on your doorstep with a transparent turkey bag full of medicine slung over his shoulder.

Calls his weed: Medicine, what else?

Catchphrase: “It’s just a plant, man. Don’t worry so much.”

Type: The Street Kid

Characteristics: You remember this guy—you bought your first bag from him. Or, you may have utilized his services while vacationing in a strange new city. In any case, while you were watching Saturday morning cartoons and eating mom’s special blueberry pancakes, this kid was on the street, hustling. When he’s not in Juvie or a halfway home, he’s on the corner pushing dime bags as fast as you can smoke them.

Appearance: Wears pants so big you can’t tell if he’s got shoes, but you can sure as hell see every inch of his boxer shorts. Wears the same ratty hoodie and low-slung backpack every day.

Pros: He’s all over the world, in every city, and he always introduces himself.

Cons: Some of his bags are a bit skimpy, but do you really want to call him on it? He hasn’t eaten all day! Also, after having his pockets and backpack searched every week by the cops, you don’t even want to know where he keeps his weed now… 

Warning: CHECK FOR PONYTAIL! Do not be fooled by a Rip-Off Artist in disguise.

Calls his weed: Every name you’ve heard of, plus a few you haven’t.

Catchphrase: “Weedsmoke! Bud for sale! Need some herb, dude?”

Type: The Walking Party/Bust Waiting to Happen

Characteristics: This guy keeps a high profile. There are at least ten people in his apartment/dorm at all times, usually drunk. Since he knows every dealer in town, as they’ve all been to a party at his house at some point, he usually has good herb for a good price. Snowboarding trips and concerts aside, he’s always home, so if you don’t mind waiting in line to buy weed he’s not a bad guy to know.

Appearance: You’ve never seen him without shorts, sandals, slitty sunglasses, and a beer in his hand. He frequently wears Hawaiian shirts and visor caps as well.

Pros: He’s fun to hang out with, and his pad is a great place to make connections.

Cons: It’s also a great place to make unwanted connections. 

Warning: Since the entire apartment complex knows this guy is a dealer, it’s only a matter of time before a sleep-deprived neighbor rats him out and he gets busted. Don’t be there when it happens.

Calls his weed: Chron-chron, Chrizon, Doj.

Catchphrase: “Hey-haaay! Whatuuup, dogger!”

Type: Johnny Dependable

Characteristics: This is the guy you want to know. He’s got a strong work ethic and such a low profile that you may already know him. However, you’ll probably have to be in the weed circuit for a while before he reveals himself as a professional pot dealer. He would’ve been great at any number of professions, but somehow he got into dealing weed and still hasn’t found a comparable way to make his money legally. If you’re a dealer, learn from him.

Appearance: Nondescript, unassuming. He probably looks like “the boy next door.”

Pros: This guy has weed nine out of ten times when you call him, and he somehow always manages to fit you into his schedule later that day. Never flakes on you or tries to act important.

Cons: His deals are always good, but rarely exceptional. He’s a shrewd businessman trying to make a profit and his prices reflect that.

Warning: Just because Johnny Dependable is always there for you doesn’t mean you should get rid of your other dealers’ phone numbers. Unlike some of the other Types, this guy is capable of success outside of the weed game, and when he graduates he may leave you high and dry.    

Calls his weed: Weed.

Catchphrase: “See you in ten minutes.”

Comments

[hey]

cliche.

[hey]

cliche.

[hey]

cliche.

[Arr]

Why is The Walking Party's ballsack visible?

[DuDe]

Johnny Dependable

OMG that is my dealer to the word!

class!

[digg suxx]

cliche

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[smith]

"hey", why were you looking?

[TV Online]

lol this pretty sums every possible variation. The only one to do business with is the dependable and maybe the Gangster, the others are too risky and like that movie "Layer Cake" ..only stupid people think the cops are stupid.

[Walking party]

ROFL Walking Party's ballsack IS visible. I wonder if thats intended.

[Walking party]

ROFL Walking Party's ballsack IS visible. I wonder if thats intended.

[Walking party]

ROFL Walking Party's ballsack IS visible. I wonder if thats intended.

[diggftw]

"ROFL Walking Party's ballsack IS visible. I wonder if thats intended."

No, I'm sure the artist accidentally drew it.

[Rectum]

Awesome list. Now if only I'd of read this yesterday.

[Diggrox]

Digg Rox

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[Patamunzo]

That is some hilarious shit.

[Alex Flex]

Its fucking hilarious i need a dependable guy in my neighborhood

[Mr. Dependable]

I think I'm a cross between Mr. Dependable and the hippy...

[KoW]

I only deal with Johnny Dependable these days, going either way. If any of my awesome hooks need something for personal use, or if I need something for personal use, it's a great way to get different shit.

[b4r7]

hehe I live in Amsterdam.
None of these types are familiar to me :)

[The Goomba]

This is a great list. Pretty much sums up every dealer I've ever gotten stuff from...

I like the Lord of the Shwag! hahaha

[cb]

very good illustrations. you should add another ten, many types were missed

[lunachick]

hey man, they need a girl on here! like the hot chick who get's her stuff from her brother or boyfriend

[lunachick]

hey man, they need a girl on here! like the hot chick who get's her stuff from her brother or boyfriend

[agentarsenic]

I used to be Johnny Dependable, now I'm on probation and not looking to become The Gangsta. Damn.

[ofendido]

damn, why don't they just call the gangster "the black dude" and get it over with? ignorant purchases such as large chains span every culture.

[Voteboob - Vote on Boobs!]

Funny list!

"like the hot chick who get's her stuff from her brother or boyfriend"

I don't think the hot chick is really hot, but she would be if she didn't smoke so much weed, and took a bath...

[Johnson]

You forgot one: http://tinyurl.com/yhjuju

[CP]

Johnny Dependable is sooo my boyfriend!!! lol...

[carrito]

mine is a cross of johnny dependable and lord of schwag

[Certified-Nutter]

this is pretty cool but it doesnt match all classes.
to whom said cops arnt stupid, well, they are, completely fucking stupid, mayb not by intelligence, fuck are they sneaky for finding weed and drugs, but they are fucking stupid for common sense, why look for dope dealers when they have more pressing issues to persue? they may not be lacking in investigative intelligence, but in common sense, and common life, they are dumb as shit, just on a power trip, well, cept the old coppers, they are cool, i been searched by a 30+ yr old cop, n he let me go with my weed cos he knew i wasnt causing trouble, while a 20-odd copper takes my bike off me because i pushed it home rather than drive it home drunk, wheres the justice?

[timmylo]

there needs to be like sexy raver chicks who sell dope for their boyfriends and like teenagers who sell dope to make money for cocaine, aka hurtbags

[timmylo]

oh or like, your buddies dad,

[jimmy]

it feels nowadays, in southern california, there are nothing BUT weed snobs!

[S.Robz]

Hahahaha
I'm a Johnny Dependable, all the way.
you just gotta keep it casual.

[D]

i think you missed one, that is the hillbilly..

he lives in the bush, far away from roads and telephones, so0metimes u have to take a qaudrunner/snowmachine to get to him.. hes completely insane, like bottles his urine insane. yet he manages to have a barn full of weed plants completely undetected by the world. he only knows 4 people so when you come over he does everything he can to keep you there, including "Sampling the merchandice" over and over again. and once this has happened he starts in with the, hey can you give me a hand with... but in the end you walk away with more weed then you came for and hey it was a good deal.. but damn that dude needs to get laid..
Pros: always had massive quantites of weed
Cons: totally nuts and always needs help, plus what is up with that 1980's blue jays shirt hes always wearing?

warning, if u bring ur girlfriend u may have to file sexual assault charge

catchphrase "hey mann soo good to see ya!"

[Alli]

Oh. My. God. This is way too accurate. I am amused.

[catman]

Anyone who says he's Mr. Dependable, isn't, he's a scaled down version of the Walking Party. Mr. Dependable would never admit it.

[suckit]

"why look for dope dealers when they have more pressing issues to persue? they may not be lacking in investigative intelligence, but in common sense, and common life, they are dumb as shit, just on a power trip"

Dumbass, cops are LAW-ENFORCEMENT officers. They don't get to pick which laws to enforce, they have to enforce them all. It's the morons who make weed illegal you should be pissed at. And most cops don't give a shit about weed, unless you're doing something stupid and get caught with it. Then they kind of have to bust you.
Ever talk to a cop with weed in your pocket? I have. Did I get busted? No. You know why? Because I'm not a sketchy fuck-tard.

[Trent]

ha ha ha. i always see all these people when i go down town. and i happen to know that bc bud isnt..all...grown with chemicals. i live in british columbia. its wicked. and no, im not knee deep in snow, my sister is not being raped by a moose, and my house is not an igloo. but i want it to be.

[ringtailroxy]

yep... this made me laugh my ass off! and the Walking Party Guy DOES have his junk hangin' out! the creepy thing is, I KNOW THAT GUY! (but he usually just scratches his nads without regard to whoever may be at eye-level.at one point he was kinda cute and worth getting to know... now I just get my goodies and SCRAM before he holds another conversation with my boobs...)

seriously, I'm the cross between the Weed Snob and Depenedable type. I do get my goods from my man, and I am the BIGGEST Weed Snob in town. Don't come to my house and offer me the roach you smoked on the over when I say "wanna sample?"... just sit back and let me break out my "Precious"... the 3-foor Pyrex double-bubble water pipe that was hand-blown by the BEST local Pyrex Blower in the Tri-County area. sit back and si back and allow me to teach you a tiny piece of my knowledge... you'll never look ar Regs the same way again...so NEVER bring them to my house!!!

[Jacko St]

I know someone sort of like the The Walking Party/Bust Waiting to Happen. But I just call him A Walking Bust

[con420]

I thought Schwag only came out of Mexico....I've never gotten any shwag from BC, or while in BC anyways.

[furburgason]

my dealer isnt on that list...dependable but always late, doesnt always have weed, doesnt rip you off,ect.

[SmileyDude]

I like the weed dealer who doesn't try to be your friend. Just give me a great deal. This article rocks because it highlights the over paranoid and the under paranoid, also the rip off, the gangster that don't take tens, and the teenager you meet in any city in the

[squirrel]

heh, i get it from my boyfriend, and occasionally mule it out to his friends since of course he only leaves the house to go to work and the store, but you totally forgot the wigger kid who thinks he's the shit but usually has weak crap.

[Tom Geller]

"damn, why don't they just call the gangster "the black dude" and get it over with?"

WORD. "Illegitimate children" etc.... geez, what century is this?

[Tom Geller]

"damn, why don't they just call the gangster "the black dude" and get it over with?"

WORD. "Illegitimate children" etc.... geez, what century is this?

[matt]

actually i do a lot of business with rich wigger kids who get some pretty potent shit, but i just met the rip-off artist, no pony tail that's how they got me

[sleeker]

this is interesting

[Gash]

Fucking scam up cunts!

[kingsmoke]

WHAT THE HELLS A WIGGER? IF YOU SAY IT'S A WHITE KID THAT ACTS BLACK THEN YOUR A NIGGER. A BIG STUPID WHITE ONE. HAVE GOOD DAY NIGGER.

[turtle]

I want you to have my babies, Trent.

[CHR0N1C]

i used to be the street kid but im on house arrest =(

[poulsbo florist]

it is amazing that i have yet to meet a druggie, or a dealer in person.

[Me]

I don't care what anyone says, that describes most of the dealers, in Toronto at least, to the t haha. and yeah, that "gangster" was a black guy but they could be white, spanish, whatever lol