Workplace Drug Testing

Applying for a job? Throughout the United States, employers are demanding applicants submit their urine as well as their resume. And these days, it’s not just prospective employees who are being ordered to ‘drop trou.’ Under increasingly pernicious laws and regulations, everyone from student athletes, to motorists, to expectant mothers are now having their bodily fluids snooped for the lingering presence of illicit drugs. In many cases, the ramifications for testing positive are not only emotionally and financially severe—they could also land you in jail!

10 Pot Pusher Profiles

North America’s stubbornly ridiculous marijuana laws have created a very unique line of work for those willing to seriously break them. With legalization in the indiscernibly distant future and the demand for cannabis steadily growing, so do the opportunities for those in the frequently long chain that brings pot from grower to smoker.

While some dealers see themselves as freedom fighters delivering mind-expanding herb to people suffering under an oppressive regime, others would push crack to preschoolers if there were a market for it. Most, however, simply find themselves in a position to make relatively easy money by taking a few risks.   

Love them or hate them, they’ll be around till North America pulls its head out of its ass and makes them unnecessary, so you may as well get to know them. Whether you are a large or small-scale dealer, or simply an inquisitive connoisseur hoping to learn more about these opportunists who connect you with the chronic you love, this guide will help you make informed decisions about the people you choose to buy from.

After extensive fieldwork and the compilation and interpretation of a great deal of data, the author has narrowed the broad spectrum of pot dealers into ten “Types.” Below is a listing of their identifying characteristics including physical appearance, pros and cons of dealing with them, any warnings that may apply, the name they generally refer to their product as, and any catchphrases that may help you spot the type of dealer taking bong hits on your couch.

Japanese Munchies

Crab guts. My colleague was eating crab guts. And loving it.

After two years living in Japan, I’d come a long way in my appreciation for the local cuisine. But not that far.

SPIDER MITES

Growing marijuana as a hobby can be very demanding—on time, money, patience, and sweat. But, of course, the rewards far outweigh the effort. The lingering scent of Kush, Diesel, or Skunk remind me not to bitch about the work it takes to yield the finest icky sticky, but rather love the process.

Gardening keeps me busy. I don’t have a very large garden—it contains less than 25 plants at any given time. (I keep the numbers unimpressive should I end up in court some day.) The number of plants is low but each one yields well. Fewer plants also mean fewer opportunities for insect pests to invade and ruin your crop.

Perpetual gardens are just that—perpetual. The work is never done. If you look forward to the day when the work is done, then stop. Stop thinking that way. You are a farmer, in other words, you’re enslaved to the schedules of the creatures in your care. If you want a perpetual garden, you can’t allow yourself to want for a time when the work is over. If you do it right, it’s never over.

Getting it right means cutting pests off at the pass whenever possible. As soon as a problem is detected, the perpetual gardener must act. If you allow too much time to pass, the trouble can—and most often does—multiply. And we could do without additional worries, right?

PRODUCT REVIEWS

Heads reviews all the coolest schwag out there.

MUNCHIE OF THE MONTH

Ice cream sandwiches—the cornerstone of hot summer days and youthful oblivion. Fast-forward— nowadays any time is a good time to venture off to the convenience store, change in hand, the anticipation of cool smooth ice cream and soft chocolate wafers inspiring your pace. Those perfectly wrapped rectangles stacked in the freezer call out—yoo-hoo! Oh, sure the Drumsticks are delicious and the jumbo Freezies, an icy distraction, but nothing can offer the same satisfaction as a good ol’ ice cream sandwich. Let’s face it, half the fun is how you eat it and technique is everything!

SATIVA SCIENCE

Nagging cough keeping you up at night? Most viral coughs—the ones that accompany colds—go away with time. But lingering persistent coughs can stick with you, making life miserable. Cannabis-inspired help may soon be on the way to a pharmacy near you.

HEADSOUNDS

Five years removed from its controversial yet critically acclaimed record Party Music, Oakland-based hip hop group The Coup is finally back with Pick A Bigger Weapon, an album that equally inspires you to get down and dance and get up and organize. Emcee Boots Riley filled us in on his group’s stirring new release.

GHETTO TECH

Breathe in, breathe out. Inflate, deflate. That’s pretty much how your lungs work, give or take some other biological brewhaha that goes on. The science behind them is genius, so why not apply Mother Nature’s technique to smoking ganja?

Newbie potheads be warned! Think you coughed up a lung the first time you inhaled? This baby will rip you an entire new bronchial tube, so inhale with caution and a glass of water close by.